No sugar? No way!

I just tried a new drink that claims to be just apple juice, carbonated. While the ingredients list is long and horribly small, nothing I could make out sounded like sugar. Why am I sounding like a middle-aged person when I have an - I mean, a kid's eyesight? Well, teh sad truth about that will be explained next, and the "teh" was on purpose. As long as I'm talking about something sad I'd better make it a wee bit more cheerful by misspelling something what strikes me as funny, and yes I do talk like I type. If anything more, er, flowery. Spanish leans towards the flowery.